Rantish Thing I May Delete

An edit: 8/22/2012: I'm not going to delete this, as several people have already read it, and deleting it now feels like lying. However, I'm not quite as upset about it anymore, as I figured would happen while I was writing the post.

People say that real friends stay with you for life... But I'm not so sure it's true. If it is, then I've never actually had any "real" friends... In my experience, friends tend to disappear and begin to ignore you when either a. you're not around as often, or b. you can't help them anymore. If you don't keep looking for new friends, eventually you wind up without anyone even caring about you anymore... but the thing is, I'm not like that. I foolishly try to hang onto the friends that I already had, helping out and doing things for them, when they steadily put me as less and less of a priority in their lives. It kind of hurts when you find out that someone who you've considered your best friend thinks of you as less than someone they met two weeks ago.

I'd always attributed it to it just being the way things work in the world, and random chance. But what if it's not like that? What if it's not random chance? I'm starting to wonder if maybe, just maybe... it's my own fault.

Is there something about me that repels people after they get to know me? If there is, I wish I could find out what, so I could fix it. Unfortunately, there's no way for me to know. Not even the people who used to be my friends would tell me. If they really cared, they'd say what it is... But then there's also the possibility that I'm wrong.

I don't care so much about just saying "I have friends", and I don't really care whether or not they'd go out of their way to help me, and I don't care about how many friends I have either. I just want to have someone who I can count on... someone who won't mind talking, someone who'll actually care about what's going on in my life. Someone who won't go away. I just don't want to feel so alone.

Nobody I've known for more than two years makes the effort to stay in touch, and there's only a few people who do. I try, but what good does it do if they don't pick up the phone or answer an email? I've found myself intentionally steering away from relationships lately because I've somehow gotten it fixed in my head that everyone will eventually leave.

At this, my logical mind wonders what triggers this inevitable rejection. What is it I want in a friend?

 - Someone who'll care about what I'm going through

 - Someone who congratulates me for my little triumphs

 - Someone who doesn't mind talking on occasion

And I'm not so pretentious as to believe I'm the only one who matters in a friendship. I do the same for the other person, and I offer to help when it's needed, too. So what is it? What triggers it all? It can't be what I desire of a friend, can it?

The only possible source of the problem I've ever had mentioned to me was the fact that I seem "uncannily cheerful" a lot of the time, but I honestly don't see how optimistism can be a flaw... 

What it all boils down to is my being alone. And honestly, I've been alone far more than any person should have to be. Eight solid years without talking to anyone outside my family was hell to go through - but perhaps that's part of why people push me away. Perhaps they can tell something's different about me, and it makes them uncomfortable. 

I try to take things in stride, but occasionally I become depressed... and with no one to help pull me out of it... it tends to last an unusually long time.