Well... Today I reached the epitome of feeling worthless.
I sat by while someone reasoned out loud whether or not I was worth more than a $200 foal. I won, but only because the person thought it would be morally wrong to choose the horse over me.
I was mocked for not knowing many movies, I was laughed at for my writing abilities and for my art. My girlfriend threw me a multiple choice question, three answers, about something she likes. I picked both the wrong answers, thinking they were the correct one. Why? I don't even know simple things like what candies such as M&Ms and Reese's Pieces are like.
Someone decided $100 was worth more to them than making me really happy.
I got called a lazy slob, more or less, by a close relative.
My girlfriend actually said straight out that she doesn't need me, and she wasn't trying to hurt me or anything either. She was speaking as if it was fact.
I've always struggled with feeling worthless... When I was around 14, I actually thought I would wind up with a crippled girl in a wheelchair who had some sort of speech problem or something like that. I figured all the other, better guys would have snatched up all the "good" girls before I even had a chance. I studied mental issues and handicaps to prepare myself for what I thought would be my future. Fortunately, it's not the case, but I still have a major problem with self-esteem.
Over the past month I've sunk lower and lower... First the Phrogram thing, then a whole series of problems with Spazzie. I lifted my head about around mid-month when I started impressing people with my writing. That faded quickly, though - Spazzie was determined to outdo me, and once she did I never got talked about anymore, except in comparison to how much longer hers had been. I came to realize my programming skills are useless in real world applications. It was made clear to me that I make bad boyfriend material, and that my skills with sigmaking are pretty much worthless as well, and my games useless and boring.
I'm the lowest of the low. I'm the best at being the worst.
And what would you know... But just as I'm typing this she comes back and apologizes. She says she does need me, and she was wrong to say otherwise. So... Just like that... this rant is over.
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I know that this post is really old. And I remember what you said in a more recent post about not being able to know someone just by their writing. But I don't believe that someone can express the way you do and not be a good person. That's my point really; you're a good person and probably great boyfriend material. I hope that nothing and nobody keeps you down and that you find someone to love and be loved by in return.
ReplyDeleteIs this response too heartfelt for someone who doesn't know you? Sorry if it makes you feel strange or anything.