It's Depressing, Really

Several posts ago, I mentioned feeling "alone"... I didn't really explain why, though... And I feel in the mood for a bit of a soft rant, so I suggest you skip this post - it won't make for an interesting read for the average person, I'm betting...

All my life, I've wanted to belong somewhere - to have a place where I was accepted, wanted, and appreciated. Through school, I was the outcast - I was the one people didn't talk to because I was "weird" - a kid's way of saying "geeky" or "nerdy". Through church, I didn't have many friends either - but to be fair, my heart wasn't quite in the right place. I was searching more for companionship than God. For years after that I had nothing - just an empty house with my siblings. Finally I got my own laptop and got onto the Internet - and I began finding places I fit in, places I was accepted. All my life, all I've ever really wanted was to feel wanted/needed... I desired that feeling of knowing that if I disappeared, people would miss me.

As soon as I got my laptop, I began throwing out "webs", like a spider - I covered as much ground as I could, to try to find somewhere - anywhere - that I could fit in and find friendship. I did this for about a year, and then stopped, coasting along on what I had with minimal effort in trying to find somewhere new. I felt like I'd been locked away in a time capsule for the past six or seven years - everyone I had known had forgotten me or simply didn't care to talk to me anymore. I recognized this and started looking for new places.

But all are gone. Some because I was forced out by others who got hateful, some by the fact that I found no interest in the game, some because of drama, some because it took up too much time. As it is, the only place I have left, I'm not only not accepted - I'm avoided. I think I'm just going to quit. Once again, I'm left alone, drifting through nothingness...

If it was just this it would be bearable. I've made a good number of friends. Unfortunately, no one ever really talks anymore. Some I never hear from because they lost interest, a couple I creeped out with certain aspects of my knowledge, some got turned away because people started spreading rumors about me - why would anyone even do that? I'm really down to just three people now. One I talk to on a somewhat regular basis - I'm glad she's still around. Another acted like she wanted to be good friends again - but that was a week ago, and it appears she's lost interest and doesn't care anymore. The third is a guy I met who I talk to a couple times a week - great guy, really.

But I kind of need something more than that... I don't really have a place I belong. Most people never experience it - they're able to find places to fit in without trouble. Me... I have a lot more difficulty in finding somewhere I'm appreciated. Some people don't need it... I think honestly I need it a bit more than the average person... which makes it kind of depressing for me when I can't find anywhere people don't reject me. The only thing worse than not fitting in and being accepted is being actively rejected. I feel like I've been kicked out in the cold.

Thing is, now I'm not sure where to go.