I wonder if I'm bipolar...

Now, last night, while trying to get to sleep, I started to wonder if I was bipolar. Now, this is probably going to offend somebody out there, and I want to say right now that I don't mean it to. First, let's look at why I think I might be.

The reason I think I might be bipolar is because of my behavior over the past couple of weeks. It started out with me being really hyperactive and careless. I alienated two of my friends in the same day. I made a joke to my good friend Jason about his feet (he thinks he has big feet - but don't tell him I told you) and put it on my blog. Not a very smart thing to do. At least he forgave me, right? I suddenly got confident enough to make a video of myself being crazy and put it on YouTube. I'm usually not confident at all! There were a bunch of other things, but I'm going to assume that they have something to do with my having ADHD.

Now, the past several days, I've been feeling really depressed. I'm hating myself, feeling worthless, and sleeping a lot more. And this is nothing new! I've been having cycles like this for a very long time, and I never could figure out why.

This isn't the first time this type of thing has happened, either! I've done this a lot! I get unusually confident for some reason, and then I get depressed - for no apparent reason. Then I'm "normal" for a while. It sort of cycles.

So, I googled "How to tell if you're bipolar", and this is what I found. http://hubpages.com/hub/How-to-tell-if-you-have-Bipolar-Disorder . Nice, a whole page devoted to it. Okay, so I scroll down to the part headed "Diagnostic Criteria". I'll look at it with you.

Diagnostic Criteria

Criteria for a manic episode

• Abnormally elevated mood, energy and irritability lasting at least one week

One week? I don't know about that... I'm not really irritable, either. Maybe not one week, it was only about half a week.

• Three or more of the following symptoms during that week: decreased need for sleep, unusually talkative, racing thoughts, unable to concentrate or easily distracted, partaking in activities with no regard to consequences (e.g. shopping sprees, promiscuity). The mood disturbance is severe enough to impair functioning and at time require hospitalization. Psychotic features may also be present.

Decreased need for sleep? No... Well, I only needed six hours. Unusually talkative? YES!!! Big yes. Okay, racing thoughts. Yeah, but that's normal for ADHD. Unable to concentrate or easily distracted - yeah, that's ADHD too. Partaking in activities with no regard to consequences? Definitely! Otherwise, how could I have nearly alienated two of my friends? And that blog joke... Jason assures me that it really was in bad taste. Wait, shopping sprees? No! Okay, maybe just poor judgement. I guess I don't get that one. So that's... 1.5, I guess, with 3.5 if you count the ADHD related ones. I had thought that I simply had forgotten to take my medicine, but maybe it was something different...

Whoa! Severe enough to impair functioning?!? Hospitalization?!? No! That's not me at all! Psychotic features... Sorry, no. Maybe I'm not bipolar after all.

Criteria for a major depressive episode

• Decrease in mood for a period of at least two weeks

Two weeks? Hey, what happened to the minor depressive episode?! Mine lasts a week at the worst! Well, okay, it used to last longer... It used to be around two weeks, a few years back.

• Five or more of the following symptoms present: depressed mood every day, lack of interest in all pleasurable activities, loss or appetite and significant weight loss, insomnia, fatigue, lack of energy, feeling worthless or guilty, unable to concentrate, indecisive, recurrent thoughts of suicide or death.

Five? I don't know, let's see... Depressed mood every day. That's easy. Yes. Lack of interest in all pleasurable activities - no, afraid not. I liked hating myself, obviously, but I don't think that's what they meant. Umm... Loss of appetite? No. Insomnia? YES!!! For the past week I've been almost unable to get to sleep! I normally fall asleep right away! Fatigue? Well, that implies that I actually have something to be tired about, which is a no. Lack of energy? Definitely. I'm always wanting to go back to sleep when I get like that. Feeling worthless or guilty? No, not guilty... Nothing to be guilty about. But worthless, on the other hand, that's a really big YES. Shoot, the post I put up yesterday proves it for me.  Unable to concentrate, yes, but again, that's ADHD. Indecisive? Not really. I usually make decisions fairly quickly. I just don't really care when I get depressed. Recurrent thoughts of suicide or death... Not recently, but I have thought about killing myself in the past. Could never bring myself to do it, though. What always stopped me was thinking about my family. There's no way they'd manage without me.

I guess I'm not so worthless after all.

Hmm... Let's add it up. Did I get five? Hmm... If I give myself only half a point for the ADHD related one, I end up with 4.5. Even so, it doesn't really matter. I didn't get the two weeks part.

Criteria for a hypomanic episode

• A period of elevated or irritable mood lasting at least four days

Hey, there we go!! That sounds familiar!!

• Three or more of the following symptoms: Inflated sense of self-esteem, decreased need for sleep (at least 3 hours), more talkative than usual, racing thoughts, easily distractible, partaking in activities with no regard to consequences (e.g. shopping sprees, promiscuity). What separates it from a manic episode is that hypomanic episodes are usually not severe enough as to impair functioning nor require hospitalization.

Let's see about this, now. Self-esteem meaning "confidence and satisfaction in one's self", that's a yes. Definitely. Three hours of sleep?!?! No, sorry!! That's not me! More talkative than usual, racing thoughts, easily distractable, all yes, but two are ADHD related. We already decided no on the shopping spree one.

Yeah, mine are never severe enough to require hospitalization. This sounds a lot closer to what I've got.

But still - without the ADHD ones, I don't quite make it to three.

So, I guess I'm not bipolar after all. Maybe I just act really stupidly and then it makes me feel really stupid. Or maybe I have a very light version of it. "Bipolar? Sorry, ma'am, only halfway." Nah, I guess I'm not bipolar at all. Just kind of stupid sometimes. And then depressed. But how does it all start, I wonder? What makes me start being stupid in the first place?